It’s the end of September. In a little more than one week, I’ll be testing for a Kukkiwon black belt in taekwondo. To say I’m apprehensive is an understatement.
Like seriously, how did I get here?!
I am fully aware that every martial arts studio and program has its own testing methods; no two are alike. Even within taekwondo studios, every studio does its belt ranking differently.
My oldest son, T started taekwondo when he was three. He has always been naturally agile when it comes to physical activity, so he took to taekwondo quickly. The discipline has been great for his ADHD brain and he competed in his first sparring tournament when he was six. He’s been training for eight years and he will be testing for his black belt with me next week.
His instructor, Master Amely, goaded me into attending a “Mom’s Class” one morning when T was almost four. She assured me that I would have fun and I really did. The class kicked my butt and I was unbelievably sore for days afterward. A week later, when it was time to go to the next class, I found out I was pregnant with my youngest son after more than two years of unexplained infertility. I was already feeling fatigue and I didn’t have it in me to attend another class. Master Amely seemed to understand and didn’t push. She also seemed to think she cured my infertility. Maybe??
My youngest son, M started attending classes at 22 months old. His first word was “ay-ya!” and he competed in his first sparring tournament when he was only four. Now, at age seven he takes it very seriously and joined the Extreme Team this year where he gets to learn extra tricking, board breaking, tumbling, and performs choreographed routines at belt graduations and events.
M was four years old before I had the courage and could scrape together enough confidence to attend a taekwondo class again. I was approaching my 40th birthday and struggling with serious body-image issues. Around the time M turned two, I gained about forty pounds and I still don’t know why. I’m fairly certain hormones are to blame, but it was tremendously frustrating to get used to my body at 2-3 sizes bigger than what has always been normal for me. Even after three years of taekwondo training, I am still working on getting used to it.
I’ve watched bits and pieces of the black belt test in years past. It’s two days long. It looks exhausting both physically and mentally. I’ve seen candidates fail who were younger and more fit than me. There are physical challenges that I know will push me past the boundaries of my abilities. There’s a grueling physical fitness test, a written test, a Poomsae test, a sparring test, self defense (5 vs 1), a 5k run, and we have to create and execute a board breaking routine. We have to assist in teaching classes for 80 hours and do 20 hours of community service. We have to get letters of recommendation from teachers and parents (for those under 18). We have to write eight different essays beforehand and we have to create a 1-minute video with photos and voiceover talking about our black belt journey.
There’s a reason they only have black belt testing once or twice a year.
My body is so tired and my brain is fried. My left hip and IT band are giving me issues and there’s a spot behind my right knee that aches. I have almost-constant foot pain and my neck and shoulders are screaming to take a break from holding up my boobs. To be honest, I have had more and more thoughts about quitting this week than ever.
But this close and I know I can’t quit. I need to do this both for my kids and for myself. I need to be able to show them how practice, patience, and hard work can pay off and that even at my age, I can do things that are both physically and mentally challenging.
I stuck with taekwondo because I loved the workouts. I never had any intention of belt testing or even considering a black belt. I finally did my first color belt test just to show my kids that I could.
As I earned higher belts and the curriculum got more challenging, I realized that I needed to do this for myself as well. Making my family and friends proud is one thing, but I need to be proud of myself. I have never set a goal quite like this before. I spent most of my 30s caring for my kids and never really making time to take care of myself; both mentally and physically. A large part of me is hoping that reaching this massive goal will help boost my confidence and body image. I have struggled with accepting my body since pregnancies resulted in drastic changes. Perhaps this accomplishment can help me love and accept the body I am in. If anything, I will be proud of all of my hard work and how it all has paid off.